Pink Ladies and Lactose Tectonics

Hi all.

I would like to share with you now an experience which I have been enjoying on a regular basis for the last couple of weeks, ever since the Dairy Seductress in Marks and Spencers lured me with her wiles and wares.

I was in M&S because I’m solidly middle-class and certain behaviours are expected of me. At least, I think I’m middle-class, but when I go home I go to a bedroom the entrance to which consists of double doors each with their own stained-glass window, which might put me in an entirely new class – ecclesiastical, maybe? Anyway, I was in M&S looking at the foodstuffs I really can’t afford (middle class or not, I’m still a student) but was sorely tempted by. And while browsing the elderflower pressés I was accosted, as previously mentioned, by a woman of ill (or at least expensive) intent.

She offered me a plate of delicacies. It would be an injustice to describe them as anything as mundane as cocktail sticks with apple and cheese. This was the apotheosis of apple-and-cheese; this is what apple-and-cheese aspires to become when it dies. Even the cocktail stick had made an effort – the end looked like it had been turned on a miniature lathe. The apples were gorgeous, succulent pink ladies – to my tastes, the very finest apples money can buy – and the cheese was a very nice mature chedder.

I have subsequently been experimenting with pink ladies and various chedders, and have discovered something interesting. Blocks of mature chedder, it turns out, have complicated structural flaws and strata. The trick is figuring out the imperfections before you cut, so that it doesn’t crumble into flakes of chees but instead forms cubes suitable for spearing by cocktail sticks. (On a not-unrelated note, don’t try eating jelly babies with cocktail sticks – it’s like re-enacting ‘Zulu‘ followed by ‘Alive‘, and is therefore really disturbing.)

So there you go. I have found one of the very finest snack-foods on the face of the planet, and my life now is richer than before. Why don’t you try it for yourselves?

Your moment of Zen today:

A J39 passes the castle and heads out on the suspension bridge over an ex-L&YR Class 21 pug

About Gavin

I am a 32-year-old PhD student in Aberdeen, Scotland. I work in QC at an e-learning company. I'm originally Northern Irish, though I've lived here in Aberdeen for several years. I am, essentially, somebody who is very normal, yet to whom very strange things keep happening...
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One Response to Pink Ladies and Lactose Tectonics

  1. Eruntane says:

    Which cheddars would your research lead you to recommend? Chris and I have made the interesting and pleasing discovery that, despite being the economy brand, Sainsbury’s full flavour mature cheddar is extremely good. (I guess shopping at Sainsbury’s makes us middle-class too, although we do not yet own a wooden salad bowl and set of salad servers, which we used to use as the measure of class when I was at school. On the other hand, we shop at Sainsbury’s because it’s the nearest supermarket you can get to by bus, so perhaps we’re not middle-class at all. Anyway, I’m glad we’re not the only people who wander round Markies looking at food we can’t afford…)

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